I opened cans of peanuts at Safeway, farted in them, and then put the lids back on as fast as I could.
I adopted an abandoned cat, and then abandoned it.
Those were the darkest of days.
And then, one day, a few months ago, my phone rang, and some complete random on the other end of the line (who really, really didn’t want me to use his name here) said he’d been stopped by a woman while riding across the Williamsburg Bridge when she recognized the bike from the Craigslist post. He told her he’d bought it off the Assmaster in Tompkins Square Park for a couple hundred dollars, not knowing it was stolen, and now he wanted to give it back.
Long story short, he did, the Bologna is back in the stable, and I’m a whole man again. But there’s just one problem; he who doesn’t want to be named, never told me how to reach him.
So as much as @copyrider and I would like to give him the bountiful rewards for which he is due, we can’t.
If you’re reading this, and you’re the random, by all means, present yourself.
Finally, this needs saying:
You shared it, and a lot of people saw it.
And because you did, I got my bike back.
Thank you internet, that was very nice of you.
(Also, the $1000 dollar offer for the thief’s nads on a stick still stands.